Quandary
by Inkognito97
Summary: The Korun Master and Council member would also never forget how one of his strongest friends had broken down right in front of his very eyes. He would never forget the agonizing cries, the heart wrenching sobs and the desperate pleads of Qui-Gon Jinn, who had held the lifeless form of his Padawan close to his chest and who had begged him not to leave. Part 17 of the ABC of Obi-Wan


I still do not own Star Wars or any of its characters, I just borrow and play with them.  
As always, every mistake is my own.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Quandary

Everybody in the Jedi Order knew the tale of the legendary Qui-Gon Jinn, who had ceased to exist a few years ago on the fateful day on Naboo. The Council had warned Qui-Gon about his greatest fault over and over again, but he never listened or paid them any attention. Attachments had always been in his nature and even Dooku's cold and aloof lessons could not teach him how to let go. And in the end, it had been his downfall.

Xanatos' betrayal had been bad enough, forcing the long haired Jedi Master into a deep depression. When Tahl died, it was his Padawan's presence that kept him from completely falling into the darkness. It had been a very close call, but Qui-Gon had remained in the light, thanks to the bright and glorious presence in the Force that was called Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Needless to say, there was nothing that kept him rooted in the light side, when Obi-Wan had died thanks to the red and black tattooed Zabrak the Master-Padawan team had fought on Naboo. The Padawan had given his everything in order to save the life of his Master and in the end, it had cost him his life.

If asked, Mace would remember his friend since crèche, sitting day and night at the hospital bed of his Padawan, who had defeated the Sith almost single-handed, but had also sustained a fatal wound to the abdomen due to shielding his Master's body. Qui-Gon had watched over the ginger haired male, who had looked so lost and weak in Mace's eyes. And in all honesty, the Korun Master had suspected shortly after the injured Padawan had arrived in the hospital wing of Naboo, that it was indeed a death bed he was resting in.

For days, weeks even, the best healers the temple had to offer were fighting for the bright Jedi's life, but in the end, all had been in vain. The constant beeping of the heart monitor had eventually died out into one single tune that would forever remain in the long haired Jedi's mind. Burned there, for all eternity and remembering him, of his greatest failure.

The black skinned Korun Master and Council member would also never forget how one of his strongest friends had broken down right in front of his very eyes. He would never forget the agonizing cries, the heart wrenching sobs and the desperate pleads of Qui-Gon Jinn, who had held the lifeless form of his Padawan close to his chest and who had begged him not to leave. Mace had realized that very day, that his friend had lost so much more than a Padawan, he had lost a son in all but blood and it would have been obvious, even if Qui-Gon had not called the dead body of Obi-Wan, "My child," or even, "my precious light and son."

It had not surprised the Council member, when Qui-Gon eventually left the Order altogether, after months of isolation, grief and depression. It had surprised him even less, when the long haired man succumbed to the darkness and started wielding an orange lightsaber about a year after his departure from the Jedi Order. What DID surprise him, was when the man he had gotten to know as a brother and comrade, simply... vanished. It was not noticed immediately, but when no new sighting, when no word about Qui-Gon, his doings and his whereabouts arrived, it became clear that the man had vanished from public. If that meant that he was dead, probably murdered, or even killed by his own hands, or if that meant that he just went back into hiding and solitude, nobody knew. A lot of Jedi believed that Qui-Gon Jinn was dead, but there were also some, who believed that he was just planning in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to strike. Mace himself believed nothing like this. He guessed that the men had simply reached the end of his road and he did not know what to do anymore. Yoda, the grandmaster of the Jedi Order, would not speak about this matter at all and the dark skinned Korun Master guessed that it was due to the recent pain he had suffered from, when Dooku had left the Order as well. The official version was, that Dooku had decided to take on his heirloom on Sereno, the unofficial version was that he just couldn't bear to stay in an organisation which reminded him of his Grandpadawan, who had died a brutal and painful death way too early, and which reminded him of his former Padawan, who had left and succumbed to his own darkness. In the end, it didn't matter, the result stayed the same. Three Jedi of Yoda's line had been lost and if asked, Mace would say that this was a bad omen. Perhaps it was the beginning of a darker era. The Sith had returned and they had made their first move on the playground. They had left a great wound in the heart of the Jedi Order and the Council member was left to wonder if the Order was strong enough for what was about to come. A glance at the sleeping form of his relatively new Padawan let hope arise in Mace's chest. Anakin Skywalker had come a long and hard way and perhaps, he would save them. Then again, balance included not only the light, but the dark as well. He shook his head. It would do him no good to think about such matters. It was not in his power to see that far into the future. The only thing they could do now, was wait and hope for the best. Until now, the Force has never really abandoned them after all...

* * *

At the other end of the galaxy, on a small planet that was mostly inhabitant by wild animals, which had not made the next step in evolution, it was deepest night and a long haired man with a trimmed beard was asleep in his hut.

 _"Obi-Wan!" the long haired man cried in distress, when his ginger haired Padawan literally threw himself at his opponent, who would have otherwise injured the Jedi Master fatality. He watched in horror as his apprentice and the Zabrak tumbled down the ramp in a heap of limbs and cloth. With a pained gasp, the Jedi Master tried desperately to get back to his feet to join in his Padawan down below and to help him in his battle, but it was harder than he thought. Perhaps he was really getting too old to take on another Padawan._

 _An angry yell echoed through the high halls, followed by the sound of connecting lightsabers. Qui-Gon knew that the Sith had engaged his Padawan and he knew that he had to get there as soon as possible. Otherwise this fight would end badly._

 _To the older Jedi's disdain, he did not get any closer to the two fighters, despite all his efforts. Somehow, with every step he took, the two opponents took two away from him. Something very close to annoyance started to form in the Jedi Master's chest. Why couldn't he reach his brave and sometimes impulsive Padawan?_

 _At one point his sight was blocked and fear arose in the Master's chest when he heard a pained cry from Obi-Wan, followed by cruel laughter. He quickened his steps even more, yet he refrained himself from using the Force to speed his steps. He would need his energy. When the two opponents, fighters of the light and the dark, finally came in sight again, Qui-Gon was greeted by the picture of his apprentice with his back to him and the Sith warrior, whose mouth twitched. Something was clearly wrong with the Zabrak and not a moment later, the long haired Jedi knew what it was. The Sith stumbled a few steps back, to the edge of the platform he and Obi-Wan were standing on. His blood red lightsaber, which had been cut into half, was falling from his hands and then, the body bend backwards and fell deep into the dark. Qui-Gon could have sworn that he saw the body flying apart during the fall, but he concentrated on the trembling form of his ginger haired brat._

 _The blue blade deactivated as well and Qui-Gon would have breathed a sigh of relief, hadn't it been for the next two things that happened. His Padawan suddenly bent forward as if in pain and he was holding his abdomen before he fell to his knees. Qui-Gon had almost reached him at this point. Then it was also Obi-Wan's lightsaber that carelessly rolled on the ground. The tall male was barely able to stop it with the help of the Force, otherwise it would have been lost as well as the dead body of the Sith. Not that it would have really mattered. It could have been replaced easily, but something made the bearded man do it._

 _The Jedi Master's robes were practically glued to his body when he reached his apprentice. A mixture of sweat and even some blood made the clothes quite uncomfortable, but Qui-Gon ignored this in favour of his child, who was undoubtedly in a lot of pain. The bond was heavily shielded, especially on Obi-Wan's side, but there was still pain coming through._

 _"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon spoke softly and with gentle hands did he pick up the Padawan so that he was resting against the taller man's chest. The younger male gave a sharp cry of pain due to the movement. "Padawan, what-,"Qui-Gon looked in horror when he spotted the wound that decorated his student's abdomen. It was undoubtedly inflicted by a lightsaber, which had been set into a mode, where it would burn, but not enough to close the wound to a point where no blood would escape. Only now did the Jedi Master notice the pool of blood on the metal ground and the red liquid that was escaping his charge's shivering body._

 _"M...Master," was whispered in a familiar Coruscanti accent. On autopilot the long haired male put his hand on top of the bleeding wound, earning him another pained cry, and he sent as much healing energy into his Padawan's body as he could. Simultaneously he was pushing a button on his belt that would call for help._

 _At this point the younger male's body was shaking even more violent and blue-green eyes had turned into pained grey ones. Obi-Wan's lips were slightly parted and his breathing was rapid. Qui-Gon could feel his hot breath against his neck, since he had manoeuvred the other male's head to his shoulder. It only served to make him more anxious._

 _"Come on, stay with me Padawan," he partly ordered and partly pleaded. He did not receive an answer. He pushed the body of his charge a little bit away so that he could look into Obi-Wan's face. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that the other's eyes were closed. "P-please, wake up little one..." he pleaded and shook the body in his arms. It helped, but Qui-Gon did not gasp in relief, for grey eyes did not focus on him._

 _"M-master," his voice sounded so distant, so young and so afraid._

 _"I'm here little one, don't be afraid."_

 _"'m sorry," Obi-Wan mumbled. He was hard to understand and it was obviously hard for the young man to speak at all. His shivering had ceased, as well as his rapid breathing, the flow of blood sadly not._

 _"No, you don't have to be sorry for anything, brave one. It's me who has to apologize," he was trying to soothe his student. That and something that suspiciously felt like the Force, urged him to say those things now. He couldn't muster why though. "I should never have treated you the way I did... I should never have spoken the way I did. You were, ARE, a great apprentice and I wish, with all my heart, that you would stay with me for a few years longer. The Force knows I delayed your trials over and over again, despite Mace's and Yoda's urging. It was my selfishness that kept you at my side... you were ready for your trials a long time ago and... I should have told you this a long time ago as well."_

 _"Really?" his voice sounded so small and for the first time, his eyes actually focused on the older man's face._

 _"Yes Padawan. I'm so proud of you and of everything you have achieved." Where was the required help?_

 _"That's... nice," and with that he closed his eyes again._

 _"Obi-Wan!" the Master cried in distress. His free hand was cradling his Padawan's head close to his own. "Obi-Wan," he repeated, but again he received no answer. The flow of blood was slowing down, but the young man's face was way too pale. His breathing was becoming sluggish and Qui-Gon could feel against his cheek that rested against Obi-Wan's that the Padawan's heartbeat was slowing down as well._

 _Without thinking, the Master searched for the bond that was resting in the back of his mind. The shields crumbled as soon as Qui-Gon touched them. To his surprise, no pain travelled over the connection, just numbness and darkness. Fear gripped the older male's heart. He knew very well what that meant._

 _"Listen to me, young one!" he began, "You have to open your eyes! Stay awake, stay with me. You... I will not allow you to leave me... Obi-Wan!" he received no answer..._

With a jolt the long haired man sat upright in his bed. His breath was rapid and his clothes dampened with sweat. It took the former Jedi a few moments to realise where he was. After some time, he calmed down enough for reaching up and pushing a few strands of hair out of his face.

"Kriffing hell," he cursed once he noticed the wet stains on his cheeks. This was not the first time he woke up in the middle of the night from this particularly dream or rather from this particularly memory and Qui-Gon doubted that it would be the last. In fact, he hardly remembered the last night he actually slept through.

With a defeated sigh, the former Jedi pushed the heavy brown blanket away and got out of his makeshift bed. He knew from experience that he wouldn't find another second of rest this night.

His gaze swept through his small living area, which was hardly lit by the moon outside. He didn't need the light, he was acquainted enough in the dark, so he stood up without turning on the small lamp that rested on a equally small table next to his sleeping place. His gaze automatically wandered to the table that stood in the middle of the room. It was made out of wood, but the table itself was not what caught the tall man's attention. It were rather the three items that rested on it that he focused on. Without even realizing it, his feet carried Qui-Gon towards the wooden table where his most precious treasures rested. First of all, his Padawan's braid. He had told his Padawan that he had been ready for the trials, that and he had defeated a Sith all by himself. Obi-Wan Kenobi, known in the Jedi Order as the Sith Killer, the first Jedi to kill one in thousands of years.

Rage and anger filled the tall man's mind. The Order had chosen to remember his brave and precious and bright child as a killer. He could only shake his head at their ignorance and foolishness. Had the Council just believed his words about the sighting of a Sith, then his Obi-Wan could very well be still alive... A small voice at the back of his head, that sounded too much like said ginger haired male to Qui-Gon's liking, reminded the former Jedi to focus on the here and now. Qui-Gon had to admit that the voice was right. What would it bring him to think about the past? He couldn't change it one way or the other.

The second object on the table was a small smooth stone, black in colour; quite ironic if Qui-Gon thought about his current decision. This Riverstone had been the first gift he had presented his new Padawan. He had long thought about this, if Obi-Wan would actually deserve this gift. Needless to say, Qui-Gon had not been disappointed. The thirteen year old boy had immediately known that the stone was something special, that it meant more to his Master. He even figured out that the stone was Force sensitive and when the teenager had told Qui-Gon how he had used the stone to protect his memories, the Master had been more than happy and relieved to hear that his Padawan was still the same.

The third and last item that rested on the table was perhaps the most personal of all. It was Obi-Wan's lightsaber, the one he had made all by himself. Qui-Gon could remember it as if it were yesterday. A young teenager of seventeen years came running into his bedroom, despite the early hour. At first the tall man had believed that they were under attack, but as it turned out, Obi-Wan had been just very excited to present his Master the lightsaber he had build. Usually the Master helped his Padawan plan and develop the design, find the suitable parts and even build the parts together. Obi-Wan had asked him to only interfere should he ask for help and Qui-Gon had given him the space. It was unusual, but then again, he was an unusual Jedi himself, or at least he had been at some point. It was also the very same lightsaber he had defeated the Sith with.

Hesitantly the former member of the Jedi Order reached out and took the silver lightsaber into his hand. It was too small for Qui-Gon's hands, but it made the man feel closer to his dead Padawan. Once more did the long haired man feel tears starting to fall from his eyes. It had been his fault that Obi-Wan was dead now. It had been his duty to protect the ginger haired boy and Qui-Gon knew that he had failed, more than once, but he hadn't realized it until it was way too late. He should have listened to his former Master, to his other mentors and to his friends. Had he just listened...

The man shook his head to clear his thoughts and he turned the weapon so that the blade would touch him if activated. How often had he thought about it, about ending his suffering, his grief and about ending his journey on that dark path he was currently on? A dark path, more like a tunnel really, with no way to escape. How often had he thought about ending it all? And it was so easy, he just had to push one little button and everything would be over.

So easy, yet so hard. There were always two things that kept him from actually doing it. The first reason was simple. This was Obi-Wan's lightsaber and he did not want to kill himself with it, when he was completely honest with himself. It felt dirty, it felt wrong and he would not soil his Padawan's weapon, let alone his name with such a hideous act. The second reason was based on a strong emotion and emotions were never simple. It was fear that kept him from activating the blade. It was not the fear of death itself, but the fear of what came after. Would he see his Obi-Wan again? And what would Obi-Wan think of him? There was no way that his child could forgive him for doing so much bad and for failing and there was no way that Obi-Wan would even look at him, let alone talk to him. He feared that Obi-Wan would avoid him forever. Qui-Gon could just not bear that possibility. Everything was better than a future without his light. Then again, wasn't he already without light?

The lightsaber was put back on the table and Qui-Gon turned away from it. He slowly walked to the other side of the room, where his very own lightsaber rested on one of the cupboards. Of course he had given the one he had wielded during the fight with the Zabrak back to the Order when he had left the Jedi. The knowledge how to build one remained with him however and this was why he had built a new one with the parts he had found during his travels. The orange crystal just one of those parts.

It was a daily fight ever since his light had vanished, a daily struggle against the darkness that crept closer and closer, threatening to devour him completely. Qui-Gon knew that one day, he would lose this fight, he knew that one day he would be beyond redemption. And when this day had arrived, then he would never see Obi-Wan again, he was sure of this. So, what now? Ending it before it was too late?

Dooku once said that you either died in the light or lived long enough to become one with the dark. Only today did Qui-Gon realize how true this one sentence truly was.

Ending it before it was too late... I didn't sound so bad, when you put it like this. The only thing he had to do was push a little button. He could do that. Unconsciously the former Jedi turned the weapon. Activated, the blade would pierce his heart, it would be a quick death. Not that he deserved one after Obi-Wan had suffered and fought for days.

He was about to overcome that last step that would bring him to another place. A place he dreaded more than anything else in the whole galaxy, as well as a place he desperately wanted to escape to. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and put his thump upon the button, but before he could put enough pressure on it, he felt something warm touch his hand.

A startled gasp escaped him and he opened his eyes again, only to find himself gazing into blue-green ones.

"Don't," an accented voice said softly.

"But..." he gasped. He averted the other's gaze and pulled his hand away, yet he made no move to use the lightsaber again. Why did his damn mind came up with such a sick illusion, why now of all times? Did the Force truly hate him so much?

"I am here, because you were about to make a great mistake... because you needed me," the shimmering blue form of his Padawan answered. He was partly transparent, but also there, in some weird way. Then again, of course an illusion would seem real to him.

"Why now?" he snapped, "Why not sooner?" For now he pretended to believe.

The ghost looked sad, "I never really left... you just did not listen..." He raised his arm with his palm facing Qui-Gon. The former Jedi Master hesitated, but he too raised his hand and laid his palm against his visitor's. He was more than a little surprised when he did not just went through the other, but was actually able to touch him.

"Why..."

"I wanted to thank you, for the time we had together. I wanted to thank you for everything you taught me... for allowing me back in your heart, despite everything that happened to you," he entwined their fingers and lowered their hands. "And I want you to know that – whatever you do – I could never hate you... and there is nothing to forgive. You are just a human, my Master, and it is in the nature of humans to make mistakes. The thing is," he took a step closer and took the hand that still clenched the lightsaber, "you have to learn from them."

A loud clatter sounded through the hut. Both men ignored the lightsaber that now laid to their feet. In fact, the older male stepped forward and encircled the smaller male in his arms, who allowed it without any hesitation or resistance; he even raised his own arms.

"I miss you..." the former Jedi confessed in a broken voice.

"I know..." the ghost replied in sympathy. "But you have to let go, this is no way of continuing to live... you are just destroying yourself."

"Perhaps I want to," anger cursed once more through the tall male's veins and he pushed himself away from the pained and sad looking dead man. Because that was what Obi-Wan was, dead; and therefore he couldn't be standing in front of him now, let alone talk to him.

"I can't stop you from committing this... mistake, no matter how much I want to. In the end it will be your decision, just not that I do not approve, and the Force does neither." Of course he couldn't he was a mere projection of his mind.  
"I don't care about the Force anymore, it left me, and you did too..." the last part was mumbled so that the ghost could not hear him. Large hands clenched to tight fists.

"It only left you, because you pushed it aside." He took a hesitant step closer to the distressed man, who only stepped back.

"And give me one good reason, why I shouldn't have done it. The Force has taken everything from me, everything I ever cared about," his voice was getting louder and louder, "It took Feemor, Xanatos, Tahl and finally you... it has abandoned me a long time ago." Why was he even arguing with this illusion?

The Force ghost of his former Padawan did not say anything towards this statement, probably because he knew that the older male would not listen anyway. He just watched silently how the discarded lightsaber was picked up again.

"Is this truly what you want?" he finally asked aloud, causing the other male to pause in his movement.

"I want to be with you again and I want the pain to finally stop." The man admitted without really answering the asked question.

"Then don't kill yourself."

"I've told you that there is no other way," snapped the tall man at his transparent companion. The other man clearly wanted to say something else, but Qui-Gon interrupted him before he could, "I'm sorry." And with that he activated the brilliant green blade in his hands.

A searing pain ran through all his body and he gasped in pain before he fell to his knees. If this is what his poor Padawan had to endure all those time ago on Naboo, then he would gladly take the pain. His vision started to blur, he could not even clearly see his former Padawan's sad features any longer.  
"Obi-Wan," he rasped and reached out with a shaking hand. But the Force ghost just shook his head and took as step back. "Please."

"No, you have chosen this path... now you have to walk it alone."

"What?" and why was he surprised that his Padawan and the Force were abandoning him again? He should have been used to it by now.

Again Obi-Wan just shook his head, "You have left the rightful path... you are treading dangerous waters now Qui-Gon Jinn. And you have to find your way back to the Force... back to me, alone now. I cannot help you," he sounded so miserable as he said it, "no one can, but yourself."

The transparent ghost vanished back into the Force from where he had come from, leaving the dying Master behind in his misery. What if he was not strong enough? What if he failed? Doubt inflicted the dying man's soul and mind like a virus. He could do it, right? He could become one with the Force again and he could see his beloved Obi-Wan again, right? Then again, he was truly alone right now, left on his own once again. He wanted to cry, but there was nothing left in him to cry anymore. He had given up, just as everybody else had given up on him. There was no reason for him to fight anymore.

No reason to fight anymore... and he gave into the darkness that pulled him into the prison of his own mind.

* * *

Back on Coruscant a wise and green Jedi Master sat meditating with one of his former students. Both he and the dark skinned Korun Master felt the massive shift in the Force and they knew what had happened.

"Lost he is..." Yoda said.

"Is there anything we can do?" Mace wanted to know. Up until know he had not even believed that his former friend was still alive.

"No... too late it is..." his let his ears hung down, a clear sign of sorrow.

The two Jedi were not the only ones who felt the Force's grief, for one of its own had lost himself into the bliss of darkness, to a place where not even the Force could reach and help him anymore. And the Force was not the only one grieving. For one short moment, the Korun Master could have sworn he saw the familiar shape of Obi-Wan Kenobi stand in the room with them, fresh tear stains on his face and hands clutching an unfamiliar lightsaber. But he was gone the next moment and Mace pushed it aside...

* * *

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And thank you for reading. :)


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